There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
