there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
