My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Randomize
