I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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