I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize