she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I think people are normalizing furries
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
