textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
