At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
