Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
