That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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