Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize