Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
