how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
