I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
