I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
