Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I enjoy the company of your penis
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
