"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
