remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
