I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
