How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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