He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
