there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
