Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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