first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
