bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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