Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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