there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
