Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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