The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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