I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
