I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
a search helicopter?!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
