chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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