Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
