I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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