We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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