I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
