Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have fence marks all over my body
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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