You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
