I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
