oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize