Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
