ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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