Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
