shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
