well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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