no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
