i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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