Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
