I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
