my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
