I faked an abortion last night.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
