he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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