Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
