I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
