Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm passing your future prison.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
