i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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