Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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